Monday, February 13, 2006

I'm Going to Dye My Hair GreenAnd travel cross-country on a beat-up motorbike with a gang of hardened biker criminals!Did I get your attention yet? Good. You're the first, believe me.How extraordinarily surreal it is to be surrounded by people - people you know, no less - who seem to be counting their syllables before they speak to you in order to ensure they're not using more than three or four at a time.Would someone out there please enlighten me on exactly why I'm getting the cold shoulder?I have over the years noticed something which is quite disheartening. I've realised, especially recently, that people only ever ask me to be "completely and bluntly honest" about anything when they know the answer I am going to give and know that they are not going to like it.Which is kinda dumb, because it means when I get really honest with people, especially on delicate issues, people tend to get hurt. I don't like hurting people... but if they ask for the complete truth then that is what I will give them.So, I now have some rules when it comes to asking for complete honesty on my part:1. No more than three questions total. I'm taking a lesson from the head of Kwik-E-Mart here.2. Don't interrupt me while I'm speaking. Even if you're really, really pissed off.3. Don't raise your voice when I'm done speaking. If I can keep my voice controlled and calm, so can you.4. Look me in the eye at all times, during both asking the questions and listening to my responses. If you're going to ask me something, you can at least have the courage to maintain eye contact.That's about it... but hopefully it'll prevent some trouble. And when I find out what's causing The Monosyllabic Disease, I will be sure to inform you all!

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